Guest Post: “Wait Until You Have Kids”

Today’s article is the first in a two-part series regarding children and parenting. Today’s article is written by Tom Meitner, a freelance writer that helps people break through the boundaries they place in front of them on a daily basis.  You can check out his work and learn more about The “I Can” Movement at The Practical Nerd.

I have friends and family members that seem to enjoy using their kids as methods of crushing other people’s dreams. When I talk about working from home and building my business, they usually say something along the lines of: “Well, enjoy it now, because when you have kids, you won’t be able to do that anymore!”

It doesn’t stop there – everybody gets it with different excuses. “When you get older, you won’t have the time to [insert what you want to do here]…” or it can simply be summed up as, “Hey, it’s a nice dream to have, but once you ____________________, you won’t be able to do it.”

It’s easy to get angry at these people. After all, it’s your goal and it’s your dream, right? What right is it of theirs to crap all over it?

At some point, I start having sympathy for these people. Friends and family, in particular, generally don’t mean to crush your hopes and dreams. If nothing else, they would love to see you achieve them and would be proud of you if you did. Their comments are a mode of caring for you – a misguided one, to be sure, but caring nonetheless.

Here’s what happened: when they were in a position similar to yours, they had dreams and goals. But they didn’t pursue them very aggressively, if at all. They just expected that life would turn out a certain way. When life happened to them and they seemingly missed their chance to make it happen the way they wanted to, they just concluded that it doesn’t work the way they wanted it to. They became incredibly disappointed and they are trying to not let you “get your hopes up,” in their minds.

Understanding that perspective is what will help you deal with them. If they are the just-make-a-quick-snarky-comment type, then you can just laugh, shrug them off, and continue on your way. If they are the argue-until-they-are-blue-in-the-face type, then you may need to sit them down and say, “Hey, I understand that you are skeptical and I do appreciate your concern, but please be supportive. If you can’t, then we just won’t talk about it when we are together and focus on talking about other topics.”

How To Heed Their Advice

Just because they failed at making life what they wanted it to be doesn’t mean you will. There are plenty of people in the world, with kids or without them, that are doing the same thing you are. What to take away from their argument is that, in life, circumstances do change. At times, these circumstances will complicate things or they will make them harder. These changes could set you back. Their response was to give up on their dreams. Here’s your response:

Prepare as much as possible for the changes that come. You don’t know what curveballs life is going to throw at you, so make sure that you recognize that sometimes, you will need to be able to adapt to life as it comes. Without the ability to adapt and be flexible, your dreams will get crushed. Maybe they’re not supposed to be crushed, but altered, and that’s why the life changes come along.

Understand that you need to be aggressive now, because there is no better time to do it. Something will always come up, and this is where people get trapped. They wait for that “perfect time” to do something, and when it doesn’t come, they just assume that it wasn’t meant to be. Make it meant to be. Take advantage of what you can now, and jump over the hurdles that are in front of you. There will be other ones down the road either way. That’s just a part of life.

Ditch the smug attitude and avoid the confrontation. If you struggle, there’s no need to share that with them if they can’t be supportive. If they keep asking, present facts to them about how you are approaching it. If you are succeeding, don’t do the “I told you so” thing. Just go about life as if nothing is different. If they ask, you can tell them, but leave it at that. Be the bigger man – or woman.

Be sympathetic towards these people and recognize why they are so skeptical. It’s likely that they are bitter over the lack of achievement in their own lives. Instead, just focus on what you can control and what you can accomplish. If they try to cut you down, just stop talking to them about it. You don’t need that negative energy in your life.

And if you have kids? Watch them play. Watch them dream. Ask them what they want to be when they grow up. I’m not one of those “You can be anything you want” kinds of people, but children place very few limits on their imaginations. It’s that kind of attitude that you can adopt in your own life. The people who accomplished things looked around at their peers and said, “I want something different.” You need to do the same if you want to achieve your goals.

A Note From Steven: When I hear people make statements like “Wait until you have kids,” it seems to imply that once a person has children they have to give up on their dreams and personal ambitions. I disagree. I hope to live my life perpetually in pursuit of the next challenge/goal and one day hope to show my children the joy of living a life full of adventure and curiosity for the world around us.

Tom made a comment on another blog (which is why I asked him to write today’s article) that I think sums up the so-called “Real World” by saying:

“From what I can gather, the “real world” seems to be about having kids and blaming them for ruining your life. I have people in my life that tell me, “Well, wait until you start having kids…” or “Enjoy it now, because when you have kids you can’t do that anymore.” I don’t remember our parents being this bitter about having us. If anything, I would think kids would help you dream a little more, rather than give up on them entirely. Everybody’s got their own challenges to face.

But I guess I’ll understand it better when I have kids.”

I hear these same comments from parents all the time. When people say “Wait until you have kids,” I’m waiting for them to finish the sentence with “…they’ll ruin your life.” By making statements like this to people who don’t have children, there is a subversive message that is, while no doubt unintentional, still being sent.

For me, children aren’t in the cards right now. Not because I don’t want them or that my “goals” are preventing me from having them but because I want to create a foundation which will allow me to raise a child in a healthy, happy and stable environment. One of the goals on my list is to adopt a child and someday, I will.